Has it really been two weeks? It is so hard to believe that I’ve only been a dad for less than a month. It seems as though it’s been an eternity (in every good sense of the word).
Milo is still the most precious being I’ve ever encountered – even after I’ve witnessed his pooping in action whilst changing him.
Speaking of baby poop, anyone who has ever changed a baby diaper and is reading this, knows exactly what I’m referring to in the title of this post.
Yes indeed folks, Milo has progressed from the Meconuim tar-like poops (that I like to call Texas Tea because it looks like crude oil – “Come listen to the story about a man named Jed…”) to the mustard seed-looking ones. In fact, this morning it looked like Pesto. So weird!
disclaimer: Though it may look like mustard or other condiments, please do not proceed to treat it as such. You’ve been warned!
Since we’re on the topic of baby poop – let’s talk about what I’ve learned from changing my son’s messy diapers and trying to figure out the damn “Diaper Genie”.
Now, the “Diaper Genie” is not what you think. It’s not a magical lamp that you rub and a blue-tinted Au Pair floats out offering to wipe your baby’s butt. It does not sing hit Disney Parodies like, “You Ain’t Never Cleaned Mess Like Me…” or “Prince Poopie, stinky bug he…”
No. This device is a parental aid. A fancy wastebasket for dirty diapers. Perhaps not fancy. More Ghetto-Fabulous than Fancy. But, it does the trick quite well.
You see, the “Diaper Genie” is a take-the-stink-away wastebasket. You place the diaper inside of the bin and a set of double jaws take the diaper and drop it into the plastic bag abyss. A specialized chemical cartridge is affixed to the inside of the upper lid to eliminate stink.
I must say it works quite well!
Now, for the journey of my learning curve with said device…
Time for another backstory:
My creative brain can be, and is rather technical.
You want me to fix a computer issue or learn and teach you a new software program, you got it! I can do that in a matter of minutes.
I’ve been a Technical Trainer and Designer for a very long time.
However, you want me to do something mechanical with my hands – give me several hours or days.
Case in point:
Before Milo arrived, we changed out the doors on our Laundry Closet.
Now mind you, we wouldn’t have had to change these out if I hadn’t messed up the previous ones.
I embody the male stereotype of never reading directions and taking the longest to finish a task because of it.
Doors get installed upside down, I hammer the wrong thing into hole A with part C (should have been Part B dammit!).
I can also be really ditzy when it comes to these things. I usually end up getting really frustrated and having a temper tantrum or I’ll laugh in a high-pitched Valley Girl way.
Nobody likes to see a grown man lying on the floor crying, pounding his fists, then laughing insanely – or do they?
So, I royally messed up the previous doors. I made them impossible to use.
So, off to Lowes we went to get new ones.
The installation of the new ones only took me three hours.
After actually reading the directions (progress folks!), I realized that I had screwed a few too many holes into the wall and it was going to take some work to get the track system into place.
After many metal pieces falling from the doorway and me maneuvering myself in contortoinist-like ways, the doors were up.
My best handiwork to date, methinks.
Now, fast forward to week one of being a new parent.
Cue Music and Barbara Eden – “Yes, Master?”
Setting: The Nursery.
Time: The present.
For some reason, I think perhaps I saw a visual depiction online or in Babies R Us, I believed that in order to use the “Diaper Genie” I had to do the following:
1. Press the pedal
2. Drop the stinky diaper
3. Twist the bag apparatus to contain 1 diaper in a link
4. Release the pedal
Somehow by doing this, we would get the promised 90 diapers to a bag with the starter pack.
Twenty diapers later, I was out of bag and had loose sausage link-like diapers to dispose of.
It looked like a worn out intestine or The Human Centipede (sorry for the visual folks).
Note: If you are not familiar with The Human Centipede, do not Google it. Do not ask your students for a description. You will never be the same! Stick to baby poop – it’s easier to handle.
Cue “Ditzy girl Fran” with lips pursed and eyes looking up.
I thought to myself, “What am I doing wrong? This is not 90 diapers. Hmm. At least it doesn’t stink.”
It then occurred to me, “Use your resources! Look up a demo online.” Thank you YouTube!
I found a very nice dad who has a series of videos on various modern-day child rearing devices. Well, devices that aid in handling various aspects of child rearing – the machines don’t actually take care of your kid… Well, You get the idea.
Here’s the clip (for any of you who are still curious about the “Diaper Genie”):
In a matter of moments the sky opened up and clarity filled my confused and tired brain.
I finally had the knowledge and skill to operate this torturous and bewildering device to its full potential. Operator error over!
Cue “Working it Out” from THEY’RE PLAYING OUR SONG.
Two weeks and some change in and I am “working it out”. The late night diaper changes, the cries, and the learning curves have “Only Just Begun”, and I’m thrilled!
I will continue to fight with furniture assembly, poop buckets, and even learn how to do other new things (Gasp: even a sport!) – anything for my little guy!
He’s worth every guffaw, curse word, and ah-ha!
Join me next week for a recap of my struggles with the loading and unloading the car seat into our fancy Britax Stroller.
More Sappy Dad next week. Ciao!